Last night was rough. And I woke up today feeling even more rough than I thought I would. My sweet husband was sick yesterday and was even worse off this morning before heading to work. I couldn’t sleep, my thoughts kept me awake… so I stood up making nursing tank tops and watching Netflix until Ian’s alarm went off. I was grateful that I got to make him breakfast, help him get his uniform ready, and get to talk with him a bit. It breaks my heart when he is sick… especially since he is saving all of his time off for when Evie gets here. The sacrifices he makes for our family make my heart swell with a love I can’t explain.
-Daddy and Bubby at the park in Father’s Day.
After we hugged goodbye and he drove off, I tried to sleep. Feeling the coolness of my bedsheets wrap around me was soothing. But soon, multiple times in that first hour…I woke up with my mind playing tricks on me. It happens often, especially when I’m moderately stressed. I repeatedly startled awake with my heart racing. I kept thinking I’m hearing screaming, footsteps, someone jumping on my bed or laying next to me… and then a crazy storm happened. Hail crashed against the windows and my first thought was…
“Did Ian get to work safely? I’d better call!”.
So, bleary eyed, I fumbled for my phone in the dark, dialed, and immediately got his voicemail. Good. That meant he had made it and was starting his day. So, I carefully got up and checked on Brody just in time to cover him up before he got cold. I walked around checking all the windows as bright lightning flashed behind all of the curtains. Thunder boomed and the lightning lit the house in a powerful flashing glow. Moments like those always remind me of God, his angels, and all of His power. It’s comforting at the same time it makes me feels small in this big world He’s created.
– Our morning snuggle routine.
Just as soon as I tried to sleep again, I was awoken by contractions. The burning drifted down the front of my thighs, around my lower stomach, and then to my back. These were different from the usual, so I said some extra prayers that it wasn’t time for labour just yet. My mind raced more as I lay there calmly, thinking about what would happen if this was IT. They came a couple more times as I tossed and turned and even woke me up as I drifted in and out of sleep.
– There’s a baby in there! Can’t wait to meet her sweet baby face!
Now, I lay here resting in bed with my son, who just came in earlier than expected. Thankfully, he is content watching Hulu and is snuggled up in the blankets next to me. My eyes burn, my body aches, my mind is already unsettled, and Iam weary today. But, I’m alive and my household is well… we are blessed to have such silly problems. Many have so much more on their plates and I am humbled at this thought that crossed my mind often: Change is coming but God will prepare me in due time.
– Smiling with beautiful innocence.
I haven’t written lately. I’m sure you know that if you take the time out of your day to glance at my thoughts. The last time I wrote, I had realized that I was in a different place. Like I had finally made it to that door that God opens before He closes another. Soon after that last blog, life got BUSY. Busy with celebration, joy, and rest. In between those moments, there was heartache, loss, and challenging times. Even still, those things sting my heart and invade my thoughts often. But I know that all things that come to pass happen for our own good. That we are cared for by a loving God who knows when to prune you so that you and your loved ones can thrive and grow. On this note, I’d like to share that I am grateful for my crazy hormones. Because it’s like seeing through the most eye opening pair of glasses in every experience. You get to see and truly feel everything in ways that can only be understood in that raging and fleeting moment. I think it’s a gift to mothers. It prepares us for what’s ahead when that precious gift arrives and continues on the journey. The vigilant mind, the quick responses, the deep concerns, the ability to go and go and go… all stem from these hormones. It’s like an unpredictable fuel that ignites at a seconds notice that drives us when we need it most. Especially when you feel like you’re on your wits end, ugly crying. It’s a blessing to feel and express those emotions. It’s a blessing to be able to anticipate the needs of others. And it’s an honor to have others lives in your hands. To love and to nurture… is the biggest gift that we’ve been given. We need to remember that because we have been blessed with this kind of love, we need to share it wildly, openly, and repeatedly.
– Yum! Corn time!
Change is coming in my life again, and I know that the blessings of what feels so messy… is what is so beautiful about life. The bleary eyed mornings, the moments that stop your breath, the heart thumping joy of a first… are all headed my way soon. I welcome the new, gain wisdom from the old, and pray on my way to the future. That’s all I really can do, and I choose to do it with a grateful heart.
Life is unpredictable, and that’s what makes this journey so colorful.
– A sleepy Bubby holding his Bluebeary after an afternoon nap.
Undefinied Journey 