Seriously. Where is time going? It feels like the days are flying by! Just the other day the grass was brown and dead… and now there are flowers and green everywhere!! I feel like I blinked and missed something. But, I guess time flies when you’re having fun? Because I have really been enjoying each day. I feel renewed and like balance is coming to me, finally!
It’s been a day to day crazy town over here …and I don’t remember the last time I was able to sit and write! So, now feels like a good time :).
These past couple of weeks Brody has been growing and learning SO much!! He’s talking all the time, dancing whenever and wherever, and keeping me busy busy busy!! The days seem so much brighter now that Ian is home more. I have tons more peace of mind and help with him being home like this. This morning, I’ve been thinking back on this last year and I feel like it’s finally becoming more clear. Like, we have balance, focus, and time for the first time in our ENTIRE relationship!! Brody gets to be with his dad more than ever. THAT makes me truly filled with joy. Joy that I’ve never felt before. And now, I find that I’m not so scared to dream of the future anymore. Because the wind is finally coming back into my sails, I feel it!!
I’m now officially at the beginnings of my third trimester with Evie! Now that I’m this far, it’s gone by in a blink. Yesterday, I started to really feel myself slowing down a bit. Kind of an emotional realization honestly! Like…. Erin… you’re having another baby… SOON. Ahhhh!!! Every day it becomes more and more real to me. Ever since the beginning, I’ve been terrified. Over so many things. Every single day for a long time, I struggled. Hard. And I’m glad I can now admit that, without feeling a pit in my stomach. Or like I’m on the verge of tears or hiding under a rock.
I am truly grateful for the progress that I’ve worked SO hard to achieve. I look back and have many mixed feelings about those months and days. At times I thought everything was falling apart. That I wouldn’t be HERE where I am now. But when I see and acknowledge it all, I know God gave me strength every day. I know that he was holding my family together. I never doubted that, but somedays it was hard to let myself feel that. I struggled with anger, letting go, forgiving myself…. a laundry list of things.
But, seeing the progress and having time, I feel my heart in a new way. Might sound funny to you, but it’s no surprise to me. I’ve always been stubborn. Especially with myself! And I think I’m finally giving myself a much needed break, now that I’m no longer just surviving every day. Truly, inside… that’s how it was. I think that’s why I feel that I’ve blinked and lost so much. But, I’ve learned from every day. Every thought, cry, meltdown, frustration, and desperate prayer. And today, I’m here. My family is thriving. My house and heart is full of love. My husband has new drive and life in him. My son is getting crazier and bigger every day. And me and my baby girl are resting, eating well, and at more peace than when we started.
I look back to the struggles over my life and I’m grateful for it all. From being a child, the struggles of understanding my parents divorce, being the only girl, finding my way through relationships, and becoming an adult in the working world, it’s been crazy. I know everyone has had struggles in their lives too at some time or another. I think the journey of life is powerful, mysterious, and beautiful. Through all the pain, hope, love, and heartache… I’m surprised more of us aren’t totally bonkers. I know we are all learning as we go. I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve had even though I chose the hard way OFTEN. Today, I sit here reflecting, and I see all the worth in the pain. I know I will have plenty more to learn in my life… but I feel like I’ve stepped into a new world today. And I can’t be thankful enough. For all of it.