To Those That Love Me

To anyone who knows me on a personal level, this is for you. I want to apologize. I’m not sure where to start or how many of you will read this… but I just wanted to tell you that I love you. That this was the best way I can manage, for now. 

I want you to also know that I miss you. I apologize for my distance. I apologize for missing out on your lives. I apologize for my reserved life. I apologize for keeping to myself. For not calling. Not visiting. Not inviting you in. I don’t really know exactly how to say everything, but I feel that you deserve this from me. Because, I love you. 

Some days I don’t quite understand the fullness of everything that has happened. But at this moment, the thoughts running through my head make sense, and I thought you should know. 

I’m not the same person I was. Since October, I’ve changed and I’m still finding out how to adjust to my new self. I’m different because my life drastically came to a halt the night I thought I would never see my son grow up. Then, after 3 weeks of waiting by his side, day after day wondering if he’d ever be all right, I changed even more. I know that no one can truly understand what my situation is. Perhaps that’s part of the reason I shut myself away. Because I didn’t know what to do. Some days I still don’t. But, because I know that I really am loved, I want to well you this. 

I’m sorry for the dreams we had, that didn’t come true. I’m sorry for the opportunities that you gave me, that I didn’t complete. Im sorry that I left. I’m sorry that my capacity for interaction has been made over. I’m sorry that I haven’t reached out. Because, I couldn’t hold myself together. I fell apart hard. I had no idea how to cope and I’m challenged from day to day, thinking about what I’ve missed. 

Right now, because of everything that’s come to pass, I’ve had to stop. Just so I could keep from falling apart completely. Because, my son is my world. Because, not only does he need me… I need him.  I can’t go back to the way I was, ever. Because there were many long days that I wondered if I would ever get to keep him. If I would ever get to hear him speak to me. If I would ever get to take him home. If he would make it through the night. If I would have to put him in a casket.
 But by the grace of God, and only God … I have him now. I have realized many things and have needed time to try to understand. At this point, there are still things that I don’t. 

I’ve struggled with coldness. Anger. Guilt. Grief. Confusion. Deep depression. Anxiety. Acceptance. And many other emotions that I can’t really comprehend some days. I’m sorry. To those of you that love me. I’m sorry, that I haven’t been able to really figure this out. 
I hope you’ve been patient with me. I hope you still love me. I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry if you’ve lost respect for me. I’m sorry if you no longer believe in me. 

I can’t really put into words, where my heart is. But, I know that right now, I need my son. I need to breathe in his beauty. His warmth. His life. I need to hold him. I need to be here. Loving him, and not missing a thing. Because,  that’s the only thing that keeps me together some days. Him, my husband, and God. 
I’ve had to say goodbye to a lot of things, because my plate was overflowing. I’ve left many things unfinished. I’ve cried and beat myself up many times and many nights over the choices I’ve made. But, the path that I’ve been given hasn’t been easy, and part of that is because of me. I apologize. 

I don’t really know how to end this. But, I needed you to know. That I spend a lot of time thinking of you. All of you. I lay awake at night thinking about how I could’ve done things differently. Some day, I will fix this. I promise to you. But, for the time being. I’m going to try to be the best mother I can. I’m going to find myself eventually. Because I’m not who I once was. And I hope you can understand, and still love me. Because right now, I’m trying to make sense of things that I’m not sure I can. And I hope you’ll be patient with me. 

-Erin 

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